i've never felt so bored with my own life right now.
perhaps it's bc everyone has updated like 3 times and i just read the excitement of everyone's lives.
i just don't want to be me.

i want to be alissa.
i want to go to england. i want to get away from this wretched place and visit my home for the 4 best years of my life. i want to fly on a plane and ride on a bus. i want to spend quality time with a family member that i like. i want to be free and see my independence.

i want to be dianna.
why can't i write like her? i have really started hating complimenting you bc i am feeling more and more inferior to you everyday. i don't think you're pushing me away (unless you are) but i feel like i am so far away from her. yet here i sit. envious. envious of her grades. i just need to be better. i envy her mysteriousness. people have no idea about her unless you read xanga. why can't i attract attention like that? every girl loves it when a boy is trying so hard to get you to notice him. i miss that.

i want to be chelsea.
i haven't the slightest idea of how you are feeling or what you are going through. but the support system you have in your family is amazing. i'm sure you've assumed this over the years but your family may be the thing i envy you most more. i wish i had your family, even the not so fit together perfectly members. i wish i could feel pain. real, heartbroken pain. as much as i am trying to convince myself of love. i can't fathom it. i may be softening up but i just know in my heart of hearts, i can never expose myself like that to another person. this is how i know i will never experience love. i want to feel. you have the most intense emotions of anyone i know. emotions.

i want to be regina.
she is so upbeat on life, even when she is so down. what i want to know, is all the horror she has seen. bc i believe that no one can be the optimistic without having drudged through hell to get to that mindset. the only way to be so realistic is to know the pain of the world. to have experienced both ends of the spectrum, bliss, and depression. sometimes i am worried she is such an actress. not in the fact annoying girl way. in the, i am here putting on a smile so no one will ask what's really going on. i could be completely wrong.



alissa you are infecting me with your disease.
your disease of displeasure with everyone around you.


maybe i am not jealous of everyone else.
maybe i just am in such a self-loathing stage right now that it seems that way.
every person i see, i feel is better than me in some way now.
usually, it's "she is skinnier than me."
but it can be smarter, prettier, responsible, put together.

i want to say that i am tired of my self loathing.
but it's that time again.
i can feel it creeping up.
i don't want a repeat.
i've been doing so well.
i wonder what would happen.

i need to be alone with my mind for a few hours.

sleep at 7:42pm.
sats tomorrow.




if you were better, i'd be better.

this will feel so good once it is all out.
the anxious, nauseating process to get there, is the hard part.

i wish i wasn't such an out of sight, out of mind type of person.
personally, i like it. makes dealing with my emotions easier. and i don't feel bad about it.
then when that person does come back around, and you do start talking to them again.
you don't know where you stand.
are you where you were before? or do you start new?

1. beeswax/cocoa butter balm.
2. humidifier.
3. warm water.
4. do not lick them under any circumstances.

when did my appearance become such a repulsive mess?

• my lips are FALLING off. they're bleeding in school. they have scales. and are spreading down to my chin and up to my nose. this is SUCH a problem.

• i fucking hate the winter and all the acne it brings. like wtf. i have gone like 6 months without it, can't it just stay away.

• i have some sort of bump growing in the middle of my chest. it's itchy, red, raised, and it hurts. wtf.

• my right eyelid is growing something mysterious too. it hurts to open my eye and it's so itchy.

• my fingers used to be the only skinny part of me. now even they are fat.

• MY STOMACH IS A MESS. i know no one here wants to hear my self pity. but guess what? this is my entry, not yours. like. i'm so exhausted with dealing with my weight that i don't even have the energy to write about it. i'm just going to keep trying. i may not be blowing full steam ahead, but the little things are improvements for me.
  

i'm so aggravated with people telling me what to do. how i look. and what i should do with my life.

oh, and fuck grades. honestly.
first C of my fucking life this quarter. really, like honestly? i need to scream and cry and not let anyone see how fucking upset i am by this. but the only time i want to scream and cry is in calc and that's pretty much the only place i can't. fuck C's. honestly. this is ridiculous.

things are not actually this bad.
i had a great day and am in a relatively good mood.

"do me a favor?"
"i can try."
"try to find happiness in the little things."

i am. i am happy. maybe not overall but the little things are making me happy. just like you said.
can we go back there? to that park, that beach, that rock?

just do me a favor?
guard this happiness.
i don't want it to fall away as quickly as it has come.



 

this day went from good to bad to worse to good again.

rae i miss you so much. now that you're actually you again. my best friend. not someone's girlfriend. i miss you more than ever. bc of course as soon as you're the you i love again, you disappear to college. i don't ever mean to critque you. just be careful babe. i care about you and don't want you to get overwhelmed. i know you're smart. you just did my entire calc quiz, i know you're smart. just act it okay? it's hard for me to look out for you when i'm all the way over here. not that you need me. you're a big girl. and you're having the time of your life! i'm so jealous. november 20th. can't wait best friend<3

kevin thank you for knowing how stressed i am about my grades. and for actually taking me seriously when i ask for help. i don't do it often. thank you for being there.


i feel good.
i did my apush corrections. if i get every single point i can back, i will have an 81% on the test. that pleases me. i am so thrilled with any B i get in that class. this is all if i get every one right. i need to go in tomorrow morning and see him about 2 of the questions.
i did my calc retake test. i thank the lord, or whoever is watching out for me, that it was a take home. i don't cheat when it's take home. using my resources actually forces me to learn than if you just tell me go do it on my own sitting at a desk. if i get all 5/5 right, that's a 90% on that quiz.
i seriously need both those grades.
when anything i get back is higher than my average, i am happy.
both those grades would be higher than my average in both those classes.

i won't slip in spanish. i just need to remind myself that i like it. and if i like it, i will understand it. bc i won't mind learning it. no B+s for me in that class.


my second college essay is almost done.
i think i'll finish it tomorrow with betsy.
this weekend is crunch time. i will have my 3 early applications postmarked BY OCTOBER 29TH. that is next thursday. therefore i need to kick ass this weekend.
i cancelled my interview on sunday. and i am working saturday day at the chocolate moose. but that's ok bc it should only be in the morning. i am not allowing myself out all week for fun. besides saturday night bc it's a birthday celebration. that's it though! restricting myself to that office.

my feet are cold.
i painted my toes again.
going one day without any polish on was SO weird. everytime i looked down i was like egads! whose feet are those!
i also want to buy those damn grey flats from charlotte russe. i got paid $35 for babysitting last weekend. i will spend the $18 that they are on them.





bestie bestie i love you.

 

it sucks that when i'm finally so happy with the people in my life, no one else is.
one day we'll all look back and laugh, just remember that when we cry our tears.
this moment in time is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
right now. this night.
does not matter.
that's a shame.
because right now, this moment, thinking about my life as it is right now.
i am happy.
thank you.